That night was the hardest. I didn’t want to go to sleep and wake up to the same nightmare again. The nights continued to be the hardest and sleep was something that didn’t come easily. Then on Monday I found a cassette tape of Kristin and I rehearsing the song “Glory” by Selah. I laughed through my tears listening to us together again. Kristin stopping to burp and then hearing her laugh again brought joy to my soul! I thanked God that I had this tape. That day was a turning point for me. I don't believe it was because of that tape, but I believe that tape was one of the many things God did for me that day. I hate that I ever doubted. In Judi's words, "I allowed The Comforter to comfort me." I began to fill overcome with strength, joy, and peace inside. I can't explain it, other than that's how big the God I serve is. I don't understand His ways all the time but I fully trust that He has a plan and that he IS good. That He draws near to those who draw near to Him. He is the one true and personal God. How else could I be experiencing such things at a time like this? This has been such a supernatural experience, and not a direct result of positive thinking or anything created on my own accord.

I also don’t believe it was a coincidence that for the last month I’ve been studying the goodness of God in spite of suffering and evil in the world. I see now that He was preparing me. Many times we are taken off guard through the woes of life and are unprepared, leaving us without solid ground to stand on. I see especially now that we have to know where we stand. We have to know where our help comes from. I can’t deny the hand of God in my life, I’ve experienced Him and been transformed not by my good deeds but by the Holy Spirit through my submission. Though I’m a believer in Jesus Christ, I still wrestle with questions. I’ve never been one that just believed what I was told to. It’s much easier to seek answers and form beliefs before a tragedy comes then when you are smack dab in the middle of one. I used to think that the goal of life was happiness and lack of suffering. I no longer believe this. We tend to think suffering is the worst thing, when actually separation from God is the worst thing. It’s easy to look in from the outside and draw conclusions about others’ suffering. I’ve seen that God can truly take bad situations and use it for good. Sometimes I have to experience a little pain in order to move from where I’m at. Though it’s hard to narrow it down, I believe our goal should be Christian maturity. Within this isn’t fleeting happiness but deep abiding joy. In this we seek God first, love others, stand firm, and grow continuously.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." -Romans 5:1-5

I believe we can't fully comprehend, with our limited abilities as humans, all that God is and what He has for us. With an expectant heart and mind I've experienced glimpses of His mysteries and am thankful He has given us His Word and Holy Spirit to guide us. Though the enemy seeks to "steal, kill, and destroy" our God has overcome the world and can use what was meant for evil and make it into something good. Though I'd give anything to see my friend and hug her now and hear her talk to me, I know given the choice she would die again if just one person were to come to know Jesus and true hope through her death.

I used to get hung up on suffering and why God doesn't intervene (from what my eyes can see). I think many people see suffering alone as proof that God doesn't exist. To me, when we believe this, we are doing exactly what the one inflicting the suffering wants. I refuse to let him get any satisfaction. I look forward to the day of no more death, suffering, and lack of goodness which we will have in Heaven. But until then, I pray God continue to open my eyes to His ways and not my own and continue to trust Him. So far, it's the best thing I've ever done.

-Jen

Listen to Kristin sing!

http://soundcloud.com/jennymeigs