11-6-08

As some may know, I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. This isn't something I like to announce because there is such a stigma on depression and "mental illness". Furthermore, I don't even know what I think or believe about it myself, so seeking help has made me anxious because I feel so vulnerable right now and fragile to attacks from others since I feel so beaten down already within myself. Although depression has been such a way of life for me and I've done my best to function, the past years I have seen the depression getting increasingly worse even though my life circumstances are becoming increasingly greater. One of the most interesting and frustrating things about this type of depression (Dysthymia), is that you don't know why or what you are constantly melancholy about. The weariness that comes from not being able to identify the root of the issue has been maddening to say the least. Therefore, on top of the pessimism, worthlessness, and hopelessness- I began to feel incompetent.

Not wanting to be too narrow in my search, I purchased many books with different perspectives on depression. Most familiar is psychology's view that it is a chemical imbalance (low serotonin, dopamine, and/or norepinephrine); a biological defect causing the psychological issues. In contrast however, some might argue that the psychological issues are causing the lack of chemicals. The treatment said to have the best results is a combination of psychotherapy (counseling) and medication (anti-depressants). Knowing I needed help, I began seeing a counselor and she quickly suggested I begin taking an anti-depressant as soon as possible. Keeping in mind that these two treatments are still in the beginning stages for me, I have yet to feel relief. Before coming to this point, when I would pray and read my Bible I wasn't being spiritually fed nor did I feel like I was able to absorb anything. I found that the view of depression within Christian books varied. Some would say the reason for depression is due to self-pity, sin, or a lack of a relationship with God. When I would read these books I felt even worse and began to question if I even had a relationship with God. I thought: "where is the abundant life, the joy, the peace, and the purpose a Christian is suppose to have?" This spiral led to even more questions and confusion- leaving my identity more fragmented than it already was. I kept asking God to reveal to me what I was doing or not doing that was making me feel so alone and far from Him; lacking the peace that I have only felt from Him. Days would go by and I continued in my uncertainty. When you don't see change, you don't see progress, you don't see hope (even after you've prayed), you begin to wonder why God is not talking to you, helping you, or saving you from all this. At least that's what I was curious about.

Feeling dead and empty inside, I prayed to God again and asked Him to send someone to me to reveal to me what it is that is making my condition worse. The same day I said that prayer, a new friend that I have acquired through school began talking to me about demonic oppression and strongholds. Not knowing if my issue was psychological, spiritual, or what- I listened. She talked with me and prayed with me after class, leaving me with a glimmer of hope and peace. When I got home that evening I picked up one of the books that I had recently purchased that just so happened to be called "The Bondage Breaker" by Neil T. Anderson. Anderson does a good job of explaining spiritual warfare. I know many (like me at times) try to pretend or ignore that there are angels and demons on this earth. It's overwhelming to think of that at times. I don't believe that a Christian can be "possessed" but like the book says, we can be oppressed by the enemy. Since Satan is the father of lies, he is a master at deception. Reading this book has shown me lies that I have believed. I'm not saying that every mental illness is due to something spiritual, but I think it is overlooked in psychological and secular circles. The book said that angels have more authority than demons and that Christians have more authority than the angels! It said you don't have to be perfect either. So I put that book down and started praying to God and rebuking the enemy. Immediate peace followed.

The truth will truly set you free. Gods Word is truth. In John 14:6 Jesus said "I am the way and the truth and the life." There are many reasons why people become depressed and I of course don't have all the answers. However, God showed me that I was in a spiritual battle (just like everyone else is) and that I have become depressed because I haven't put on the full armor of God:

Eph 6:10-17 (NIV) "Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled round your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

It isn't enough to just resist the devil and do your best not to sin. We have to be proactive and put something in that place. I haven't been diligent, and in my lax I allowed the schemes of Satan to hit me and blind me. I thank God for answering my prayer and sending someone to me. Everything happened in His timing. I have been depression free for a month now. I praise God!

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Rom 5:3-5 NIV)
I share this so others will know that they are not alone, and that there is hope. My transparency may bother some, but I will not let fear take precedence over the victory that God has given me and the freedom that comes from testimony.